i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
