If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
