Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
