I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
