I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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