You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
