I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
