just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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