"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
