I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
