I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
