Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I didn't notice because vodka
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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