Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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