I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He better not be in your backpack
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
