I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
