I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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