Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"

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(512): View more from Texas

Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

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(904): View more from Florida

You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier

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