I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
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There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.