I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
