Too much gin, very little bucket
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
