My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize