why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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