i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
