Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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