Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
