i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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