I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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