so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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