I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
