chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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