So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
