So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
