it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
