why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
