Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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