If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize