I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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