I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
