I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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