shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
