Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
