I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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