We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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