where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
