You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
