The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies