So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
