Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
