we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
