So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
