i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
