Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
