Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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