There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
