he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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