I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
