her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
