she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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