I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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