I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
