can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
try to milk me bitch
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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