Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
