I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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