Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He better not be in your backpack
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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